(NOTE: This article might trigger depression. Please don’t read this if you’re experiencing severe depression at the moment)
Depressed? Yes, I am, and have been battling pessimism from day one. And I’ve found blogging as one good way to express myself. I tend to isolate myself every time I think I’m with no one else. It hurts even more when you are in a group and don’t feel their presence. Perhaps, one of the most hated truths is when people in my case couldn’t find a shoulder to lean on when they needed it most. We tend to mask ourselves with fake smiles so no one will ever dare to ask “Why are you so dying inside?”
Yet, I have learned to express myself to only few trusted people who would willingly listen and do not play blaming game with me. I’ve already felt remorse for my past mistakes, and I feel so alone every time something triggers that black dog to return. Of course, anyone suffering with severe or clinical depression must seek professional help right away. It might save us. But that black dog, without early signs, is constantly coming back from nowhere and it’s taking its toll on me.
I take a nap. I rest. I play games. I write anything. I won’t bother how people would think about my maverick disposition. As the saying goes, “You can’t please everyone.” As long as I’m trying my best to be the best of me, I should focus more on things that make me and others happy. Instead of trying to please everyone I meet, I should care to those people who are closest to me. Loving them more makes me want to stay longer. It makes me want to fight for every second of my life and keep going no matter how slippery the road ahead is. Later on, the black dog disappears. And by the time it comes back, I should do what I ought to do.
Whenever I’m discouraged, it’s enough for me if you hug me tight and listen to what I have to say. Showing your affection is better than a thousand words just to lift up my spirit. Saying “I love you” is better than a 2 hour lecture. Saying “I am here for you” while being ready to listen is better than taking pain killers when I’m sick.
I am always grateful to those who stayed by my side and have never abandoned me when I’m not lovable or I’m at my worst. And I’m also thankful to those who pained me. Because of them, I have learned that life is not easy. I learned how to stand up without thinking too much about what they are going to say. They taught me to stay humble and not be overly confident. They showed me that hating is one of the favorite human past times. Who else hated others for their supposedly awful attitudes? I did. And when the cycle comes back to me, it wounds. Yes I’m an imperfect person. I have my flaws and am prone to mistakes. But I make sure I get the best lessons out of those errors. So I’m trying my best not to hate anyone for that. Forgiveness has always played an important role in my life. I forgive myself first, then the person. It eases the pain. It encourages universal tranquility.
Yes I’m depressed. But I know it won’t last. My God loves me, my family love me, and I love myself as well. Making others happy is the key to happiness. I love what I’m doing. My message to myself: “Stay alive and fight for genuine happiness.”